


just fine

by ectotwinks



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Pale JakeRoxy, Panic Attacks, past Dirkjake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25104712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectotwinks/pseuds/ectotwinks
Summary: When you grow up on an island, things are lonely, and sometimes you need help.Sometimes, that help leaves you stranded again, heartbroken and lonely.[ alternatively: roxy helps jake through one of his panic attacks ]
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	just fine

**Author's Note:**

> This is a personal fic. Like, the conversation with Roxy is one i've had with people post-breakup before.
> 
> Hope you enjoy nonetheless. 
> 
> I cried while writing this.

Your name is Jake English, and you're a young man, on the cusp of your adulthood. You're currently lying in the bath, trying not to cry. There's a stabbing pain in your chest, and your stomach, and your  _ head _ , and it hasn't gone away in hours.

Honestly, you wish you could say you didn't know why the feeling wasn't there. About two or three hours ago, your.. ex-boyfriend, you guess, broke up with you. Out of nowhere. And... God, it hurts. It hurts, everything hurts, and... yeah, there come the tears.

You let go, and you begin to cry. Sob. You're glad you live alone, because... it's loud. Frankly, you're... not really sure you've ever cried like this before. 

You'd stay sitting here with your head in your hands, but it's storming outside, and a clap of thunder shocks by and feels like it's nailing into your darn fucking skull, and yeah, okay, you're getting out of this stupid bath. You're not sure you can do this same song and dance right now.

You unplug the bathtub drain and shakingly pick up a towel, sloppily drying yourself off, not even bothering with your damp hair. Tossing on a shirt and your boxers and wiping away your tears, you practically kick your door down, shoving it open and storming upstairs.

The light in your room effectively burns your eyes, the shock leaving you collapsed against the door, breaking into tears again as you hold your head like it's an iron weight against your skin. Thunder claps at you again, starling you enough for you to turn off your light and reluctantly slide under your blankets.

Okay, Jake. Go on. Lights out.

Go to bed.

But you can't. In fact, thinking about sleeping right now only makes you hyperventilate, your breathing quickening every moment. 

Yeah, okay, it's time to talk to Roxy.

Fumbling around in the dark, at some point you find your beloved Skulltop, putting it on and giving your good friend Roxy Lalonde a much overdue call.

golgothasTerror has requested to call tipsyGnostalgic at 23:00!

JAKE: Roxy? Are you there?  
ROXY: yeah dude hang on  
ROXY: are you crying? ohmg what happened jakey???  
JAKE: *Sniff.*  
JAKE: Its a lot. You wont make fun of me, right?  
ROXY: no omg bud of course not  
JAKE: Well, earlier, dirk broke up with me.  
ROXY: wut!!! oh my GOD im totally going to have the sternest of talks with him dontchu worry jakeys  
JAKE: Please dont... just listen to me...  
ROXY: okay yeah you sound like shit ill shut up  
JAKE: I was fine at first. I mean, i cried a little when he said the words, but i was fine.  
JAKE: But when i got in the bath for the night, everything started hurting. Really badly, you know? Like someone was just stabbing me all over. It was so gosh darn PAINFUL.  
JAKE: When i got out of the bath, it was... hard to breathe, and its still hard to breathe... it hurts to talk too.  
ROXY: jakey darlin i think youre havin a panic attack  
JAKE: Oh. I thought i outgrew those.  
ROXY: jake...  
ROXY: you dont really outgrow those, hun. i hate to break it 2 u  
JAKE: But what am i supposed to do?  
JAKE: Usually, dirk was the one who helped me through these dagnabbed things.  
ROXY: okay first, stop talking unless i tell you to, alrite  


You stay silent, letting her speak.

ROXY: dont worry about your breathing right now  
ROXY: can you tell me about some things in ur room?  
JAKE: Well... theres my movie posters.  
ROXY: uh huh  
ROXY: what's on ur bed buddy?  
JAKE: I have my robot plush toy.   
ROXY: awesome!!! can you hold onto him for me?  


You grab ahold of the stuffed animal, curling up on your back like an armadillo. You're breathing hastily next to your microphone now. Hopefully Roxy doesn't mind all too much.

ROXY: did you watch another movie today?  
JAKE: I did!  
ROXY: can you tell me about it?  
JAKE: Well, there was a guy, and he-  
JAKE: OW!  
ROXY: shh, honey, uhh.. it's okay. are you okay???  
ROXY: dont die!!  
JAKE: No, its just... when i speak, my lungs feel so unpleasant. Like theyre filled with water or something.  
ROXY: wheres your phone hun?  


You motion to grab it, and you send her a text. Talking isn't really possible for you right now.

< golgothasTerror began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 23:22! >

gT: I got it.  


Roxy's still talking to you through the phone line, so you listen to her, responding with text messages in reply.

ROXY: now that i think about it you probably should have just been texting me from the beginning, sorry dude  
gT: No its completely okay dont get yourself worried over anything.  
gT: Anyways. In the movie i watched today, there was a guy. His girlfriend was in high school, which i thought was a little weird.  
ROXY: that iz weird omg how old was he  
gT: Like twenty-three? Anyhow!  
gT: I didnt really pay much attention, as it was all moving so fast. But there was a cool character. He was the main fellow's best chum. Roommate even.  
ROXY: that sounds so fun we should watch it sometime  
gT: Definitely!  
gT: There was a lot of fighting bad guys, and the main guy ended up getting the girl in the end after all.   
gT: Actually, now that i mention it, the roommate reminds me of... dirk.  
ROXY: hey hey no shh  
ROXY: we aren't gonna talk about him right now okay? we're having fun and talking about movies. thats wut we're doin.  
gT: Okay. Yes.  


You start to cry again, and while you try your best for it to be silent, you guess part of it creeps past your throat and is audible to your good friend Roxy.

ROXY: oh baby  
ROXY: let it all out  
ROXY: its going to be okay. youre going to be fine.  
ROXY: im sure he still loves you, you know? its SO unlike him to just... leave you like that.  
ROXY: you're a good guy jake. do you understand? this is NOT your fault. none of this is.  


  


You nod, giving her a hum in reply.

ROXY: are you breathin okay?  
gT: Yeah, uh... it doesnt hurt anymore, if thats what you mean.  
ROXY: good  
ROXY: i hate to leave u like this but  
ROXY: im soooo pooped  
ROXY: will you be okay if i dip?  
gT: Oh, yeah.  
gT: Thank you roxy. I really appreciate it.  
ROXY: alright hun  


  
There's a pretty long pause. 

  
ROXY: i love you  
ROXY: goodnight, please get some rest, okay?  


You sniffle in response.

JAKE: I love you too roxy.  


For a moment, you bare the static, silence on both your ends, but eventually Roxy ends the call between you two and texts you a friendly heart emoticon. You roll over in bed, still latching onto the robot plushie, but shedding your oddly weighty skulltop. It's definitely heavier than typical right now.

The thunder has stopped outside, and given way to oddly calming rain noises. Regretfully, you decide one last time to open up Pesterchum on your phone and bid your... well, you guess old friend a message.

< golgothasTerror began pestering timaeusTestified at 23:43! >

gT: Howdy.  
gT: Im sorry about earlier. About leaving you alone for so long.  
gT: It was selfish, im sorry.  
gT: I think i had one of those gosh darn panic attacks not too long ago.  
gT: I couldnt remember what you taught me to do through those, so i called roxy. She helped me out.  
gT: Um... i know you said things are over, but...  
gT: I hope we can still be friends again. You know, buddies?  
gT: I just realized youre probably asleep, fuck... um.  
gT: Thank you for everything.  


A bright red error displays across your phone and kicks you out of the chatroom.

"timaeusTestified has blocked your user."

You roll face-down into your pillow, and you let it all go. You cry, and you push your phone over your bed and onto the floor, and at this moment, you realize that Dirk Strider is more self-destructive than you ever thought he was.

You're a lot more self-destructive than you ever thought you were.

You wish you could have left him before you let him hurt you like this.

**Author's Note:**

> I catch the daydreams  
> Before hope settles in  
> I welcome the waves because  
> I know I won't win  
> Oh I'd never wish this feeling  
> On anyone, but see  
> I hear he's doing just fine  
> Perhaps the problem lies in  
> The double load I bear  
> I ripped myself apart and you  
> Just stood there  
> I'm counting the mornings  
> I wait to feel well  
> I might not feel as bad  
> But I can't really tell  
> And I know that I'll be okay  
> But it's pretty far from a breeze  
> And I hear he's doing just fine  
> It's breaking me that he isn't mine  
> But at least he's doing just fine  
> Without me
> 
> At least he's doing just fine  
> Without me


End file.
